the portfolio project

2009-05-09T13:54:00.000-07:00

2009-04-23T07:19:00.000-07:00

2009-03-30T04:48:00.000-07:00

2009-03-25T16:44:00.000-07:00

i've been busy... very. painting. living. unable to both blog here and work. have too much of an addictive personality. once i start to look around the blogworld for inspiration, it's hard to stop. discipline has never been my strong point. neither is properly documenting my work but that will come, i'm sure.

now the end of the 12-week portfolio project time frame is almost/already over and i'm in full gear, but somehow out of touch with the game... into my own world. (actually, it was never a game for me..) i guess that's ok, but i do long for more balance. IN LIFE. and i miss writing. miss that way of connecting to self. something bigger.

my daughter turned 3 yesterday, my mom was visiting for a short while... so many sweet moments; so many fights inside my skin. and i'm grateful.

spring

2009-03-07T07:29:00.000-08:00

2009-03-05T15:06:00.001-08:00

2009-02-12T07:07:00.000-08:00

words have failed me

as i've immersed myself in colours

and the challenge of constantly letting go,

i am faced with allowing what emerges

to be just that

testing my perseverence muscles

for holding the postures of

faith, disgust, fear, excitement

and going on

just going on

2009-02-11T14:12:00.000-08:00

2009-02-11T01:29:00.000-08:00

2009-02-06T13:43:00.000-08:00

2009-02-04T15:03:00.000-08:00

when i start painting again, i can't imagine

that i ever survived without it

2009-02-03T07:10:00.000-08:00

2009-01-29T13:58:00.000-08:00

impatience

speaks in tongues

in my home

speaks in whirlwinds

attempting glory

when most are sleeping

impatience

speaks of loftiness

imparting darkness

to the night

impatience

wants more than she can have

deserves all

that she can want

with impatience

2009-01-28T14:15:00.000-08:00

my 95 yr young grandmother

a true inspiration

2009-01-27T15:43:00.000-08:00

2009-01-25T14:52:00.000-08:00

i've remembered that:

showing up

listening

following

trusting

letting go

remembering (to enter this process)

again & again

and choosing (to do so)

is (what being in the creative cycle) is

to me

2009-01-24T12:51:00.000-08:00

2009-01-23T06:13:00.000-08:00

it goes without saying

with my snappy little tongue

that words find their home

in that tiny little rung

-the one that goes upwards

the one that goes down,

the one that find peace

in the snap of a sound

this refers to the reeling

the gnawing, the climb

but also the sniper

the slither, the slime

this refers to the river

the big open shoes

the ladel, the cricket

-this rung knows no rules!

and after i'm finished

with this little rhyme

i'll probably stop it-

this silly little climb

for often

what's needed

is sharing the game,

the way that my world works

and that's nothin' lame

2009-01-22T15:03:00.000-08:00

i have a million daily thoughts and reminders and ah-hahs and deep reflections or absolutely miniscule detailed images that travel around my heart and head and feed my soul- for which i wish i had a personal secretary. or one of those notepads which hang around the neck with an attached pencil so as not to be lost, and to make notes for myself from the day. i actually mean more of the philosophical kind, not the laundry or shopping list kind- tho that would be practical in it's own right. one of the things i'd like to make notes of is a repeated circling experience i have at different points in my life.... for example, when i've been out and about and feeling well in my skin, having nourished some particular aspect of personal need, and i'm on my way home... and i can perceive the energetic magnet of familiarity, of weighted patterns of behaviour, of the tendency to get caught up in/lost with my family &/or relationship life in the way of neglecting my creative needs, or to be in my own world, breathing deeply before a cup of tea OR WHATEVER... and everytime i'm aware of this onset, this entering the potential of getting lost in the maze again, i ask myself to remember this feeling, this sensing my skin and its edges, and i ask myself if i am able to imagine entering it just a little bit differently this time. not because it's bad- it's a world that i love- but to offer the aspect of myself that tends to drown under the weight of habit and especially old, not-particularly-serving-habits and negative little cynicisms and simply going to bed too late for almost the entirety of my teenage & adult life- a new possibility of behaving, of being.

2009-01-21T23:12:00.000-08:00

2009-01-20T14:31:00.000-08:00

HOPE

2009-01-19T15:41:00.000-08:00

i'm

showing up

wordless

tho

giggled today

lots

with

my daughter

2009-01-18T13:30:00.000-08:00

2009-01-17T14:30:00.000-08:00

2009-01-16T16:17:00.000-08:00

2009-01-15T17:48:00.001-08:00

too many disconnected words

to make meaning outa anything

but that's ok

cause

i should be sleeping

and actually, i had hoped

to let underworld creatures

guide me

in my dreams

2009-01-13T15:33:00.000-08:00

every time i walk in these doors

i am close to tears

sometimes they flow to the surface,

other times they just mingle inside

with the memories

today i was in this hospital again

and was reminded of the stories

i've painted here before;

they whispered to me about floor F

when inquiring about paperwork i needed

they spoke easily about floor E

which is where i stayed when my daughter was born

i wasn't given what i came for

but i left with an eerie sense of the forbidden,

the things we're supposed to hide

2009-01-12T14:56:00.000-08:00

others have written about finding a word for 2009.

scrap lists of resolutions- but find a word to hold onto as a friend.

to use as a light, a reminder- a light reminder.

and it's not something i've searched for but which has come to me anyway.

soulful.

2009-01-10T14:19:00.000-08:00

2009-01-09T16:37:00.001-08:00

2009-01-09T15:03:00.000-08:00

IN THE VOID and still trusting. dreams are rampant with internal visions and stories if i could only but take enough time to remember before running into my important little world. important and little as everybody else's world is.

and today i'm grateful for the cool lunch i made. not one of the 6 kids or 2 adults sitting at our table complained. vitamins included. and that in itself is an accomplishment i'm damn proud of.

2009-01-08T14:09:00.000-08:00

went to sleep EARLY last night early after a string of outrageously unhealthy late nights. today i can't download pics and i'm pissed off. teetering betwen high forms of inspiration, touching moments aAND out-of-the-blue nasty grumpiness and self-wallowing. moodiness should be my middle name.

2009-01-06T15:50:00.000-08:00

cleaning out room to paint, moving boxes n clothes n things and clearing out inner and outer spaces and being incredibly lenient inside with how little has been produced on canvas or paper but it feels ok and i'm brainstorming like mad with ideas for exhibition in may slash birthday passage and i clearly need a brainstorm wall to bounce things off of because soon, aside from just getting otherwise started, i'll need to have also a plan.

2009-01-05T14:10:00.000-08:00

2009-01-04T15:01:00.000-08:00

actually, i feel scared today.

don't know if it has anything to do with this dog shitting,

just liked the shot.

2009-01-03T13:16:00.000-08:00

2009-01-02T12:05:00.000-08:00

2009-01-01T14:21:00.001-08:00

2008-12-31T14:34:00.000-08:00

2008-12-30T14:56:00.001-08:00

hand series one

2008-12-29T15:33:00.000-08:00

roller coasters are meant for giving thrills or chills

they are not meant to be the under-carpet

of ones life; duality is often confusing within this principle

offering drama instead of decision

offering stimulation instead of balm

clearly these peaks and valleys are offerings themselves

created by our own hands

2008-12-28T15:23:00.000-08:00

(approx 2 x 1.5 metres)

the world of aAND

(a little bit drowning under the weight of days just passing by even with all their sweetness and relatively low-grade-stress comparatively speaking for this time of year )

2009: tTHE yYEAR oOF aAND not used as cop-out but intention to create aANDsSPACE.... that space inbetween worlds unfettered by judgement and surrealism in conjunction with ideals and straight lines and jumbled up mis-beliefs regarding self....aAND as opposed to bBUT, is really what it means, though sounds less profound than what it really feels like inside:

aAND aAND a AND a AND aAND aAND aAND aAND aAND aAND aAND aAND aAND aAND

aAND so what is happening inside this "aANDness" is a constant trickling of faith, building its rivers of belief. hmmm, what does that mean? it means that amongst the financial concerns of my day, the head-butting that occurs with passionate frequency between me, myself, & i aAND my bBIG lLOVIN mMAN 'n mME - that a deeper voice is raising its octaves to be heard. amongst all that which could/should/might discourage me in my creative outpouring and envisioning and planning and wWANTING and dDOING and bBELIEVING iIN- it is taking up more and more space inside my head and heart and home.

"as it should be," says the little-&-getting- bigger-voice, "as it should be."

2008-12-27T14:43:00.000-08:00

clean-up time/or waiting taken this summer in the foyer of the space where we rehearsed and smoked and walked thru to get to the fresh air waiting outside

2008-12-26T13:41:00.000-08:00

emptying

as well

can

2008-12-23T06:42:00.000-08:00

the sun took hold of me today and said,

"hey babe, have a little fun for a change."

so i did.

2008-12-22T14:56:00.000-08:00

mMY lLIFE

tongue rancid with complaint

heart lost

and begging

to be found

-that childhood longing to be found-

sought out, reclaimed, searched-for-kind-of-found

(my daughter's favorite game at the moment, to lose and find

her fingers, toes, macaroni, mama, bear...)

and all i can think of amidst the externalised bitching is:

inside i feel empty and exhausted and irate

and i never thought i would be a mother like this

and where did all those years of practicing self-love and acceptance go?

and where do i hide my vulnerability over and over again?

and why do i start complaining now (literally) about spilled milk?

and in whose book did i play the heroine or master or slave?

and i can't believe that i become so hopelessly paralized by so many things in my life

and i used to enjoy a cigarette or 2 and now i wonder if i'm Attached

and when will i finally grow up? and beauty is truly

in the eyes of the beholder

and the feeling of exuberance WITH all the sliminess of life

is something i long for more of

2008-12-21T13:52:00.000-08:00

(approx 2 x 1.5 metres)

one of my favorites because the words are dancing

and it's clear that i don't know what i'm saying but the colours do

2008-12-20T14:39:00.000-08:00

e ha

a HARD day

but have

made it through

everything feels meaningless

tho wrought with meaning

everything feels thin inside

like i'm see-through

2008-12-19T14:47:00.001-08:00